Wildfire

Should you shield the canyons from the windstorms, you would never see the true beauty of their carvings. - Elisabeth Kugler-Ross

My Suffering

The gateway to my transformation

Like escaping a wildfire, I have been running through the wilderness from the behemoth of my pain. It came upon me unexpected and most unwelcome. Seemingly minding my own business and relishing in the thick of the forest, marveling at it’s beauty, the storm began. 

At first it seemed so far off in the distance that it wasn’t going to come my way or consume me. So I slowly turned and started walking. The winds shifted and before I knew it… it was surrounding me and burning everything in sight. I began to run. Running and running and running. Sometimes the smoke was too thick for me to even know what direction I was going. Towards the fire, away from the fire, I couldn’t tell. No instinct would function. Fight or flight. Survive. 

No one from out side could help, no one from outside could see in. The smoke was too thick. The raging fury of the fire was too deafening for me to hear a word anyone was screaming at me. I listened strained and desperate, but if I stopped long enough to hear, the fire would catch up to me. 

Running still, the fire would nip at my heels, dart in front of me, singeing my sides, it may have enveloped me for a moment, but I kept running. The flames would wither with my speed. I can feel my heart pounding and my muscles aching. Breath becoming short. Dirty tears drying on my face as they fell. I have no energy to speak, no energy to think. I’m not a runner, but all I can do is run. How else do you survive a wildfire? I am running where there is no trail. I am running across downed trees, through bushes, on thorns. 

Everything is taking it’s toll and I feel I may not get out of this alive. I fall to my knees, there is no one to pick me up and drag me out. Then 2 presences appear as I imagine one reaching out to me. How does she have the strength to lift me when she too has been running? Whether it was my imagination misconstrued by the smoke I’ve been inhaling or whether it really happened, I do not know. I am running with these 2 now. Heart still pounding and legs pumping, we make it to a meadow. I start to yell that we made it! We made it! We made it! We are out of the fire. We all laugh and yell for our lives have been spared. We actually ran from a fire and survived! I hear them cheer with me. I turn to look and I see no one else with me. They have vanished into thin air. I am alone. 

Did I run from this fire and survive? I am only at the meadow. I do not know. The fire is still raging and the winds are still bringing it closer yet. There are a lot of people here now, and we are being shuttled out of this madness by volunteers in cars who pick up as many people as they can and then rush them off and out of the forest. I will wait to see if I can catch a ride… 

From great tragedy comes great beauty. From great tragedy comes great beauty? The depth of my soul keeps digging. Hasn’t it dug deep enough? What is it trying to find?! I feel as though it’s dug to the other side of the earth already! Maybe it’s trying to find the world on the other side. I always heard that if you dug in your backyard for a certain amount of time, you’d end up in China. Could this be what it’s looking for? A new world? Could it be digging for so long that we actually end up somewhere else? Like a “mole who is burrowing his way to the sunlight.”* And like that mole it knows there's something there so strong?

“Soon you will see me, for I will be all around you. Where I come from, I can't tell.... Don’t be alarmed by my fields and my forests. They are here only for you to share…”*

*Ray Thomas, Justin Hayward.

Day 27 October 28th Thursday

Due to my swollen foot, I missed class yesterday and will again today. I don't want to antagonize it. So I'm waiting it out. It kills me to not train. It makes me feel worthless. Crossing streets in Thailand is like tempting the fates. I really need a motorbike. I will get one on days I need it now. Rather than rent one for the month. Thank you American government for taking a third of my money for taxes that help lazy morons feed their obese children. Sigh. I slept well last night at least. Amazingly.

Day 26 October 27th Wednesday

Crappiest night ever! I didn't sleep well at all. I'll live though. My foot is super swollen. But I put Tiger Balm on it, so it'll get better. I went to dinner last night and they were showing Ong Bak 2. I really needed to see this. It was like a breath of fresh air. The movies that inspired me to come here. Not to mention Tony Jaa. He inspired me all over again. Last night I got all weirdly emotional thinking if I died and couldn't live my life with the purpose I intent to. I guess that makes me human. Who doesn't think about that?

I got my money finally! And takes raped me. I mean completely raped me. Beyond all reason they did not need to take that much money out but did anyway because they're the government kind of rape. I can still make it work though. I have to. Getting that money made me realize how much I want to stay here. How much I want a life on my own. How much I want to keep pushing and see what else I can learn. If this doesn't happen then I don't know what in life will make me happy. Not Utah, not LA and not Thailand either. I have to break out of these emotional changes or it'll consume me.

Some of the instructors here told me I look like a Thai actress. I didn't catch her name, but they said she was beautiful. LOL So I'll take it as a compliment. Silly Thai boys. I'm so grateful to the friends I have here. And to the ones that write to me. And I hope Lauren and Reeve find each other. And I wish Peter would tell me why he stood me up.

Day 24 October 25th Monday

A part of me really really wants to go back to LA. The only problem is I would not be in a place to find love and make a family there. The last time I lived there I didn't get to enjoy it like I could have. Because I was consumed with the rudeness of Tove. Stupid Tove.

I do miss home. I feel like I have 2 intense loves in my life... and they don't exist with eachother. So I constantly have to choose one or the other. When I have one I want the other, and when I have the other I want the one. I wish I could find a way to have something sort of complete somewhere. But then at the same time I wonder if I really do... or if maybe this constant yearn is something that keeps me moving along. I could be surprised at life in Bangkok. I can't believe it's been a month already! Not quite yet.... but almost. I think Naomi is getting sick of Russell. LOL So anyway... LA... I just kinda miss the life on my own with my friends. I miss the environment there. I miss the constant energy of creation there. I miss the freedom. I don't miss 3 jobs though. I don't miss corporate America one bit. I don't miss employment. I don't miss slaving away in an office building. Utah is definitely a no go. I'd rather train everyday with no break for a year. I miss things about Utah though. Family... friends... Moab. The mountains. The scenery. The sunsets. I wish I could find a place with all of this together. And I pray for a miracle in finding it. If I stand any chance of family, it's not in LA or Utah. I absolutely cannot feel it happening any other way. I watched videos of child birth last night. It was so insane. I want babies. I have so much to offer a child.

I am kinda hurt that Peter ditched me. I'm embarrassed to tell people. Good thing only a few people knew. I've been working with a new Kru for pad work. He's an adorable teddy bear. And he makes me feel comfortable about looking awkward while kicking my gigantic China thighs. I don't know his name.

Needless to say Russell didn't show up for cards. What a douche. It's almost like he just made it up to see if I'd go around looking for him. So he can prove to himself he has power over me or something. Glad I wasn't counting on that to be my entertainment for the night. Pam told me last night that she didn't really care for Russell and neither did her husband Mark. Thank God I'm not the only person who sees through his pretentious bullshit. Their impression of him is basically the same as mine.

I impressed Kru Rose today in class with my blocks. Mostly because I was paying attention to his center... like Sensei David taught me. All movement comes from the center, watch the solar plexus and you will see any hit coming your way. It was a full fledged flash back like the amazing X box flash back in Tom Yum Goong when Tony Jaa remembers his dad telling him to strike the tendons to "bring down the elephant". LOL! Kru Rose tried to trick me by flipping his hips back and forth before he kicked me. But I wasn't watching his hips... I watched his solar plexus and caught the strike. He hugged me after.

Today Peter is teaching me to ride a motorbike. I hope to God not on his. His is huge. No pun intended to the Thai Hulk! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

......

Well... Peter did not show up today. I guess I sort of expected that. Story of my life. :( I went to MaMa's after an hour and a half. It's like a sanctuary there. No one knows to find me there. Very nice when I want to get away. I can sit and think about things. And this very strange pattern of men in my life.

Day 21 October 22nd Friday

Today I'm taking a break from class. My muscles just HURT. I think I will lift weights though. And maybe run. Maybe. I feel so lazy today. Russell invited me to play cards. It's getting awkward making up excuses to not hang out with him. I think he's leaving right now which makes me SO happy. I hope he stays out for a long time. I really dislike being around him.

I hope my money comes soon. I'd really like a motorbike. I'd like some sleep too. GAW! Russell is back already. Sigh. lame. It's been like... 3 minutes.

The run tonight was not nearly as successful as Tuesday. But I'm sticking with it. I told Naomi about cards with Russell. So I think I just trapped myself into going. AAAARRRGGHH!!!!

Day 20 October 21st Thursday

Everyday that passes I think more and more about my family. The family that I don't have yet. The one that I want to create. I saw THE most adorable little boy today. And he brought me so much joy I thought I was going to cry. I want a little Asian squidge. So much. One day I will be free. I'm gonna try running again today. I ate a bigger lunch to sustain me. And finally got some Tiger Balm for my bruises. Yesterday during class Kru Max told one of the new girls that I was the #1 student. He's hilarious. Today in class Kru Rose used me to come up and show examples to the class of what to do. Instead of another instructor. They have never done that since I've been here. I took it as an honor. Add to that he told the class I was "#1 beginner student!" I hope this means that I'm improving. :) I still feel like a rolling pancake.