A part of me really really wants to go back to LA. The only problem is I would not be in a place to find love and make a family there. The last time I lived there I didn't get to enjoy it like I could have. Because I was consumed with the rudeness of Tove. Stupid Tove.
I do miss home. I feel like I have 2 intense loves in my life... and they don't exist with eachother. So I constantly have to choose one or the other. When I have one I want the other, and when I have the other I want the one. I wish I could find a way to have something sort of complete somewhere. But then at the same time I wonder if I really do... or if maybe this constant yearn is something that keeps me moving along. I could be surprised at life in Bangkok. I can't believe it's been a month already! Not quite yet.... but almost. I think Naomi is getting sick of Russell. LOL So anyway... LA... I just kinda miss the life on my own with my friends. I miss the environment there. I miss the constant energy of creation there. I miss the freedom. I don't miss 3 jobs though. I don't miss corporate America one bit. I don't miss employment. I don't miss slaving away in an office building. Utah is definitely a no go. I'd rather train everyday with no break for a year. I miss things about Utah though. Family... friends... Moab. The mountains. The scenery. The sunsets. I wish I could find a place with all of this together. And I pray for a miracle in finding it. If I stand any chance of family, it's not in LA or Utah. I absolutely cannot feel it happening any other way. I watched videos of child birth last night. It was so insane. I want babies. I have so much to offer a child.
I am kinda hurt that Peter ditched me. I'm embarrassed to tell people. Good thing only a few people knew. I've been working with a new Kru for pad work. He's an adorable teddy bear. And he makes me feel comfortable about looking awkward while kicking my gigantic China thighs. I don't know his name.
I do miss home. I feel like I have 2 intense loves in my life... and they don't exist with eachother. So I constantly have to choose one or the other. When I have one I want the other, and when I have the other I want the one. I wish I could find a way to have something sort of complete somewhere. But then at the same time I wonder if I really do... or if maybe this constant yearn is something that keeps me moving along. I could be surprised at life in Bangkok. I can't believe it's been a month already! Not quite yet.... but almost. I think Naomi is getting sick of Russell. LOL So anyway... LA... I just kinda miss the life on my own with my friends. I miss the environment there. I miss the constant energy of creation there. I miss the freedom. I don't miss 3 jobs though. I don't miss corporate America one bit. I don't miss employment. I don't miss slaving away in an office building. Utah is definitely a no go. I'd rather train everyday with no break for a year. I miss things about Utah though. Family... friends... Moab. The mountains. The scenery. The sunsets. I wish I could find a place with all of this together. And I pray for a miracle in finding it. If I stand any chance of family, it's not in LA or Utah. I absolutely cannot feel it happening any other way. I watched videos of child birth last night. It was so insane. I want babies. I have so much to offer a child.
I am kinda hurt that Peter ditched me. I'm embarrassed to tell people. Good thing only a few people knew. I've been working with a new Kru for pad work. He's an adorable teddy bear. And he makes me feel comfortable about looking awkward while kicking my gigantic China thighs. I don't know his name.
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