Day 27 October 28th Thursday

Due to my swollen foot, I missed class yesterday and will again today. I don't want to antagonize it. So I'm waiting it out. It kills me to not train. It makes me feel worthless. Crossing streets in Thailand is like tempting the fates. I really need a motorbike. I will get one on days I need it now. Rather than rent one for the month. Thank you American government for taking a third of my money for taxes that help lazy morons feed their obese children. Sigh. I slept well last night at least. Amazingly.

Day 26 October 27th Wednesday

Crappiest night ever! I didn't sleep well at all. I'll live though. My foot is super swollen. But I put Tiger Balm on it, so it'll get better. I went to dinner last night and they were showing Ong Bak 2. I really needed to see this. It was like a breath of fresh air. The movies that inspired me to come here. Not to mention Tony Jaa. He inspired me all over again. Last night I got all weirdly emotional thinking if I died and couldn't live my life with the purpose I intent to. I guess that makes me human. Who doesn't think about that?

I got my money finally! And takes raped me. I mean completely raped me. Beyond all reason they did not need to take that much money out but did anyway because they're the government kind of rape. I can still make it work though. I have to. Getting that money made me realize how much I want to stay here. How much I want a life on my own. How much I want to keep pushing and see what else I can learn. If this doesn't happen then I don't know what in life will make me happy. Not Utah, not LA and not Thailand either. I have to break out of these emotional changes or it'll consume me.

Some of the instructors here told me I look like a Thai actress. I didn't catch her name, but they said she was beautiful. LOL So I'll take it as a compliment. Silly Thai boys. I'm so grateful to the friends I have here. And to the ones that write to me. And I hope Lauren and Reeve find each other. And I wish Peter would tell me why he stood me up.

Day 24 October 25th Monday

A part of me really really wants to go back to LA. The only problem is I would not be in a place to find love and make a family there. The last time I lived there I didn't get to enjoy it like I could have. Because I was consumed with the rudeness of Tove. Stupid Tove.

I do miss home. I feel like I have 2 intense loves in my life... and they don't exist with eachother. So I constantly have to choose one or the other. When I have one I want the other, and when I have the other I want the one. I wish I could find a way to have something sort of complete somewhere. But then at the same time I wonder if I really do... or if maybe this constant yearn is something that keeps me moving along. I could be surprised at life in Bangkok. I can't believe it's been a month already! Not quite yet.... but almost. I think Naomi is getting sick of Russell. LOL So anyway... LA... I just kinda miss the life on my own with my friends. I miss the environment there. I miss the constant energy of creation there. I miss the freedom. I don't miss 3 jobs though. I don't miss corporate America one bit. I don't miss employment. I don't miss slaving away in an office building. Utah is definitely a no go. I'd rather train everyday with no break for a year. I miss things about Utah though. Family... friends... Moab. The mountains. The scenery. The sunsets. I wish I could find a place with all of this together. And I pray for a miracle in finding it. If I stand any chance of family, it's not in LA or Utah. I absolutely cannot feel it happening any other way. I watched videos of child birth last night. It was so insane. I want babies. I have so much to offer a child.

I am kinda hurt that Peter ditched me. I'm embarrassed to tell people. Good thing only a few people knew. I've been working with a new Kru for pad work. He's an adorable teddy bear. And he makes me feel comfortable about looking awkward while kicking my gigantic China thighs. I don't know his name.

Needless to say Russell didn't show up for cards. What a douche. It's almost like he just made it up to see if I'd go around looking for him. So he can prove to himself he has power over me or something. Glad I wasn't counting on that to be my entertainment for the night. Pam told me last night that she didn't really care for Russell and neither did her husband Mark. Thank God I'm not the only person who sees through his pretentious bullshit. Their impression of him is basically the same as mine.

I impressed Kru Rose today in class with my blocks. Mostly because I was paying attention to his center... like Sensei David taught me. All movement comes from the center, watch the solar plexus and you will see any hit coming your way. It was a full fledged flash back like the amazing X box flash back in Tom Yum Goong when Tony Jaa remembers his dad telling him to strike the tendons to "bring down the elephant". LOL! Kru Rose tried to trick me by flipping his hips back and forth before he kicked me. But I wasn't watching his hips... I watched his solar plexus and caught the strike. He hugged me after.

Today Peter is teaching me to ride a motorbike. I hope to God not on his. His is huge. No pun intended to the Thai Hulk! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

......

Well... Peter did not show up today. I guess I sort of expected that. Story of my life. :( I went to MaMa's after an hour and a half. It's like a sanctuary there. No one knows to find me there. Very nice when I want to get away. I can sit and think about things. And this very strange pattern of men in my life.

Day 21 October 22nd Friday

Today I'm taking a break from class. My muscles just HURT. I think I will lift weights though. And maybe run. Maybe. I feel so lazy today. Russell invited me to play cards. It's getting awkward making up excuses to not hang out with him. I think he's leaving right now which makes me SO happy. I hope he stays out for a long time. I really dislike being around him.

I hope my money comes soon. I'd really like a motorbike. I'd like some sleep too. GAW! Russell is back already. Sigh. lame. It's been like... 3 minutes.

The run tonight was not nearly as successful as Tuesday. But I'm sticking with it. I told Naomi about cards with Russell. So I think I just trapped myself into going. AAAARRRGGHH!!!!

Day 20 October 21st Thursday

Everyday that passes I think more and more about my family. The family that I don't have yet. The one that I want to create. I saw THE most adorable little boy today. And he brought me so much joy I thought I was going to cry. I want a little Asian squidge. So much. One day I will be free. I'm gonna try running again today. I ate a bigger lunch to sustain me. And finally got some Tiger Balm for my bruises. Yesterday during class Kru Max told one of the new girls that I was the #1 student. He's hilarious. Today in class Kru Rose used me to come up and show examples to the class of what to do. Instead of another instructor. They have never done that since I've been here. I took it as an honor. Add to that he told the class I was "#1 beginner student!" I hope this means that I'm improving. :) I still feel like a rolling pancake.

Day 19 October 20th Wednesday

I ran for 8 minutes and walked for 2. I am.... beyond amazed at myself. It was only half of what I was required, but I didn't even think I'd make 1 lap and I did 5!!! 2 of the instructors grabbed my arms on my last lap and helped me run. LOL It actually kept me going through the last lap.

I prayed of my gratitude last night. I decided to send my gratitude everything out into the universe. I still pray I find my way to an amazing man who loves me. A man with honor and purity. Who is genuine and humble.

I've left my world. I've learned a new language and crossed the biggest ocean and all of this country to find something. To find life, to find love, to find meaning.... to make a mark. To make my life worthy of existence. To see that the world is a place that is real and reachable. To feel like I am finally free of the boundaries that circle me when I stay in one place too long. To completely risk as much as I could possibly think of and give everything I could to see something totally different. What would happen if I was alone all my life. What would happen if I had nothing and nobody but myself and my own wits to get through life. Could I do it? That's what I'm here finding out. And I know that I won't find anyone in my life to share with until I DO know. 

I also went to Korean BBQ. Russell invited me. And while we all know how apprehensive I am about him... there were other people so I decided delicious Korean BBQ was worth it.

As I'm writing this, I see Peter. Silly Peter. He said he will teach me to ride a motorbike.

Day 18 October 19th Tuesday

I didn't eat more than 2 bowls of cereal yesterday. And still went to class. My body is NOT happy with me. I also tried out the Martial Arts stretching class. Which combined with regular training has made me ridiculously sore. And my ankle hurts. I feel like a douche. I am going to do weights class with Alicia. I wonder how it is that people make such instant bonds with one another. I guess this is a skill I never learned because I moved around so much as a child. And people in Sugarhouse were very odd. I remember it occurring to me in kindergarten how I was different because all these kids grew up together. And I didn't grow up with any of them. So that was why it was different for me around them. This occurred during an assembly while we were lined up on the steps about to sing. And they were all laughing and talking to one another, while I sat aside and watched from a distance. I remember slightly feeling more okay about it because at least now I understood why it was like that. I always wanted to be instantly likeable to someone.

I feel like I have the worst fighting instincts ever to be known to man. I'm really bad at it. And it's time I am honest about that instead of the continued excuse of... well I'm still new at it. I've been sparring for a year now. It's time to own up to it. I suck. I'm getting my ass kicked by a beginner. I have horrible instincts with it. I'm like... moving RIGHT into their hitting zone. It's bad. I don't know what's wrong with me. I can see everything I'm doing wrong. As soon as I do it I go "Oh wow that was terrible" But for some reason... I can't stop myself from doing it. I keep doing the same shit... I don't know what is wrong. It's so frustrating.

Kru Rose took my hand and walked me around the gym in a giant circle. I'm not sure if this means we're married now... but I'm looking into it. Remember that episode of Full House where DJ accidentally got married to some Greek boy because he walked her around the table 3 times? Yeah...

I'm running with class tonight. I just want to see how long I can go running with shoes on. I must be an idiot or something.

Day 17 October 18th Monday

Yesterday I took pictures. And I went to the "grocery store" and got milk and cereal. Something this simple made me feel so much better. I feel more like I'm getting out and doing things by myself FOR myself. It feels more comfortable here. More like it's becoming my home. My bed is still a brick however. Ugh. My toothbrush died today. Tragedy ensues. I was in no way prepared for this. We've been together for years. And I mean like... 10 years. Ew you say? Don't worry... the brush head was interchangeable and has been replaced throughout the years. I was planning on at least another 7 years of happy teeth brushing times yet to come. But he melted today and died. He's charged completely, so if I'm careful I can still use him until the battery is done. And then... our goodbyes. I don't even know if I can use a regular toothbrush anymore. They're not nearly as through as Mr. Toothbrush. Sigh.

Kru Rose blew a kiss at me the other day. LOL Silly Thai.

I do NOT understand why I cannot find tampons here!!!! It's ridiculous. If I have to wear the other option down here I'm going to DIE! I don't understand how that is even SLIGHTLY acceptable for women here. I did start walking to find Family Mart. And another Thai man stopped and gave me a ride. I got a bowl and oreos and some more cash. My fan is stuck on the low setting. BOOOOOOOO! I saw Chokchai today. He is like a human teddy bear. But anyway now I can eat my cornflakes in the morning.

Day 15 October 16th Saturday

Today the cleaning lady had to get my out of bed. I haven't been sleeping well lately. So I've been sleeping in. I went out to get breakfast and I think I was ripped off by 10 Baht. But that's like... less than 30 cents. Whatever I guess. It's just the principle of it. I'm always amazed at how many Thai men will stop and ask if I need a taxi ride. I'm truly grateful to whatever force in the universe of assistance that I've drawn towards me. I know that I will find my way to the right person for me. I know that he can tell something is coming to him soon too. I probably sound like a total freak that needs to be locked away for saying or thinking that. But it's some sort of deep sense I have that something is going to happen. And for some reason I know he feels it too.

My whole life it's like I've been in this dark room. A huge gigantic dark room. I've wandered in this room never finding a door or window or even a wall. So I never felt like it could be any different. This is just life. A big dark room that you wander through mindlessly till you die I guess. I feel like finally I've run into a wall... and it's occurred to me that something is on the other side. I still don't really know where I'm at. But I'm feeling around for a door or some kind of opening. I feel like I've even maybe found a key... but I don't know what to do with it yet. But this key will unlock a door out of here.

I'm very tired and unrested. But I can't sleep. I feel like a waste at the moment. I talked myself out of class all day long,  and then still ended up going. I think this is a good sign.

Day 13 October 14th Thursday

I skipped yesterday. Skipped everything. It felt good to not do anything. The instructors held me down for crunches last night. And my abs are hella sore! I woke up today to do Yoga. Yoga is always amazing. Yogi Simon is fantastic. He teaches us to find peace in the noise and bustle. To find focus with the movement of the world. The world will never stop. So we must find a way to move with it. To allow the noise to center us. Distractions become a part of us as fighters. And through this... we become focused on the ever changing landscape of life.

Last night I dreamed I was riding a bike down a highway and there was a tiny heart floating in the air. And I reached out and caught it. I also dreamed I had a tiny pet elephant. And I could talk to it. I loved this elephant so much. I also dreamed of riding an elephant back in the water during a sunset. And the sky was reflecting orange onto the water. The elephant dipped down under the water while I was standing on his back.

I also dreamed I was snorkeling and saw a ton of goldfish. Makes me think of my dear Somchai fish. I think I dreamed of a daughter. But then she kind of turned into Madison. I'm happy that I met Pam. She is so down to earth and just relaxing and calming to be around. I feel a familiarity with her that makes me feel at ease and comfortable. I saw Mitto yesterday and he gave me a ride back to camp. I am very grateful for the good people I have met here.

Day 11 October 12th Tuesday

I did Yoga today. It felt wonderful. It rained last night. I think I'm finally adjusting to my brick. And I saw Peter at breakfast, like every morning. He joked with me about mosquitoes. I also talked more with the Yoga guy (Yogi Simon) about Krabi Krabong and Muay Boran. Peter said he'd teach me to ride a motorbike. We'll see how that goes. I made friend with Paula from the UK last night. I will see her today. I dreamed again last night I was going to India. :S So weird. I also dreamed of a giant raven/vulture eating a dog. And it's beak was sharp enough to peck through a glass window without breaking the glass. This thing was terrifying  to me in my dream. I was with mom in the old house in the breakfast nook in the back of the house. We didn't want to draw it near or it might attack us.

I also dreamed of sometime in the future and I was at my father's grave. Which was inside a mausoleum. It was night and I was singing 'Silent Night' and holding candles. I was wearing some giant dress because it was cold. There were men behind me humming ancient hymns with bells. I was singing the Karen Carpenter version because I know my dad loves that version. The men would chime their bells in certain intervals that was somehow to draw my father's spirit to us... to me. Though I knew that he was there the whole time listening, I could tell from he first bell chime that he has for sure made his presence known there and that he was with me.

Day 10 October 11 Monday

I decided to skip Yoga this morning. Mostly because I didn't want to see Russell. The weird vibes he's putting off are almost suffocating. I have to be away from him for a while. He came here to do MMA. Thank god I won't see him in class.

Before I left home I saw 10-11-10 a LOT. Today is 10-11-10. I think I knew deep down that unless I removed myself so completely from my distractions, that I'd never face myself. I'm realizing now more than ever that I need family and stability. I feel completely incapable right now of making that happen. I think I'll pull out my crystals and do some meditating. Am I a freak because I meditate with crystals? I figure that at this point I don't really care... I'm just experimenting with everything. Praying is weird for me, but I feel like I should do it. I never know how to direct my prayer. Am I praying to a god? Am I praying to an energy? Am I praying to a guardian angel? I guess... to whatever is listening. I honestly just want to find someone like me and find peace.

F-ing Douche Bag McGee started coming to beginners Muay Thai everyday now! He's coming because Naomi is in this class. And he'd do anything to get with her. It's so pathetic. It's totally pissing me off. He still gives me the cold shoulder. It's like presence has completely vanished from his consciousness. Not that I care for him to kiss my ass or anything... but it just came out of nowhere. All of a sudden he decided to stop being a friend to me. I don't get men who act like PMSing women. Why am I the only one so far that has seen through his facade? Through all of his bullshit? Sigh. It was SO obvious within the first 3 days.... oh well. I feel bad turning Naomi down all the time. But he's f-ing ridiculous.