I don't know what is wrong with me, I cried again today. I think whatever emotion it is that I'm experiencing is so vivid that I haven't been able to figure out where it's coming from yet. I've moved away from home before and it didn't affect me like it is this time, so that can't be the only reason. I woke up and missed my momma. I think a lot of it is the feelings I have about being a mother myself. And how much I wish I had a family. I realize now more than ever... the people in your life is what counts. I keep thinking of having kids, of being married. I had a lot of dreams about giving birth before I came here. And they were all Asian kids. Do dreams ever really mean anything? In some cultures... much like the one I'm immersed in now... dreams are foretelling of what's to come. And in some other cultures... dreams are nothing more than your brain releasing all the stress of the day and regenerating. And dreams are nothing more than electrical pulses in your brain. So... which one is right? And does it even matter? Being in a different world now I can't help but realize how ignorant it is to think that your beliefs are the true ones... just because... that's what you were raised believing and that's what everyone else around you believes too. I know that talking about spirituality with people has always been a little challenging for me. Because I think the way I feel about things is kind of... really different than most people around me. And maybe not. But I get the impression that people really don't seem to believe the things they say they do. I wonder sometimes about life after death, and life before "life". If there is such a thing. And what makes people believe there is or isn't? I wonder if we choose our families. If we choose our parents. I feel that if that is so, I definitely had a hand in my parents finding each other. So with this thought... I continue to believe that my future children watch me now. And maybe... if I believe in them, they can also lead me to their father. Strange I know. But these are thoughts of an emotional girl lost in a world thousands of miles away. I wonder if they can see how much I want them. And how much I think about them. It's true... I've been consumed with thoughts of my own family the last few months. I want a family. And I want to make a good happy life here. But I'm so overwhelmed with the scope of what I'm setting out to do here. I don't even know how to get to the beach. Let alone... another city.
I met a few people here at Mama's. Glen, Mits, and Courtney. I'm so glad I've met some people. They are really nice. Glen looked out of it... I think he was in a wreck or something. But they have been here a little while and it's nice to have friends who know the area. I can't imagine going back home to nothing right now. I have a very difficult relationship with Utah. It's like I either go back home and give up on my dreams, or I stay here and give up on my family. Unless making a family here would make things different. Whatever... I'm so lost in emotion right now I can't even tell. I will pray for a miracle. But I will pray to the Universe, to God (whatever he is), to my angels, to my children, and to my future husband... for a miracle. At this point I'm praying to anything I find purpose in. I guess I'm not exactly religious. But spiritual yes. I am spiritual. Probably to a degree most people don't find normal. I bet most people would think I'm silly to pray to a man I don't know yet. In some strange way I feel like we're all connected. And if I put enough intention out there... he will feel me.
I'm gonna go to class and try and make it through.... well... I WILL make it through. But it was something of a shock on Saturday. It feels like a belt review in Karate. Only the air is thicker down here at sea level. So it's easier. I can't explain the degree of retardedness I feel when doing bag work. I'm beyond clueless at how to even do bag work. So... I hit this giant bag... and it swings. I guess I'm not thinking in a "sparring" way. Whatever... maybe it'll get easier. Right now I just feel like an alien using a bicycle.
I feel a little better after class. Not all the way better... but better. Martial Arts has always been a safehouse for me. When I have nothing else, I have my art. And fighting makes me feel like I still have something from home still within me. Wow... that sounds... off. Kru Rose told me today that I learned the fastest of all his beginner students. He says "You do perfect" And winks a lot. I'll call him Kru Flirt. Thai flattery. I wonder if it's true... or if he's just taking pity on the stressed American. I'm moving onto campus today. I will miss Mama and air conditioning. But I will still come visit her.
I met a few people here at Mama's. Glen, Mits, and Courtney. I'm so glad I've met some people. They are really nice. Glen looked out of it... I think he was in a wreck or something. But they have been here a little while and it's nice to have friends who know the area. I can't imagine going back home to nothing right now. I have a very difficult relationship with Utah. It's like I either go back home and give up on my dreams, or I stay here and give up on my family. Unless making a family here would make things different. Whatever... I'm so lost in emotion right now I can't even tell. I will pray for a miracle. But I will pray to the Universe, to God (whatever he is), to my angels, to my children, and to my future husband... for a miracle. At this point I'm praying to anything I find purpose in. I guess I'm not exactly religious. But spiritual yes. I am spiritual. Probably to a degree most people don't find normal. I bet most people would think I'm silly to pray to a man I don't know yet. In some strange way I feel like we're all connected. And if I put enough intention out there... he will feel me.
I'm gonna go to class and try and make it through.... well... I WILL make it through. But it was something of a shock on Saturday. It feels like a belt review in Karate. Only the air is thicker down here at sea level. So it's easier. I can't explain the degree of retardedness I feel when doing bag work. I'm beyond clueless at how to even do bag work. So... I hit this giant bag... and it swings. I guess I'm not thinking in a "sparring" way. Whatever... maybe it'll get easier. Right now I just feel like an alien using a bicycle.
I feel a little better after class. Not all the way better... but better. Martial Arts has always been a safehouse for me. When I have nothing else, I have my art. And fighting makes me feel like I still have something from home still within me. Wow... that sounds... off. Kru Rose told me today that I learned the fastest of all his beginner students. He says "You do perfect" And winks a lot. I'll call him Kru Flirt. Thai flattery. I wonder if it's true... or if he's just taking pity on the stressed American. I'm moving onto campus today. I will miss Mama and air conditioning. But I will still come visit her.
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