Day 7 October 8th Friday

Today I slept in, missed Yoga, got breakfast, and went back to sleep. I woke up finally at 11:22. I'm uber tired. I wen to MaMa's last night. She seemed happy to see me and she laughed at Russell's crappy attempts at Thai. LOL The Internet is driving me insane. It won't connect and I really need to see my accounts and talk to Momma. :( They made us run for 10 minutes last night after class. I need to know... RIGHT NOW... how someone who smokes a pack a day can still run 3 times longer than ME!!!! WTF?!?!?! I feel a severe injustice! It kinda pisses me off and makes me bitter! I am so tired and I'm not even through my first week. I keep dreaming of things back home in a really lonely detached never again sense. It's kind of tired. I wish I was in love with someone back home or something. It would make my life so easy. Instead I have this nagging urge to get away and across the world to REALLY make sure I found the right one. I'm still not exactly accomplishing what I want. Maybe if I make money here it'll be different. It's only been one week though. I will be here another 3 months at LEAST. So obviously something will change. I know working in what I love and being with someone would change everything. What I plan for is so huge... it's hard not to see failure. But how would anything mean anything if I didn't make it happen. I would be so confused in life. I saw Peter again today. I knew I would too... so I tried to look socially acceptable. I saw him in training last night too. He came over to watch me do push ups. My pathetic attempts to lift half my body weight from the ground on my wobbly chicken arms that have never been able to function in any sort of physically acceptable manner. I think he's flirting with me but I'm really not sure. Today he got close and gazed at me again. It's a little weird. We talked a little bit. He looks like Mum. LOL I can't take him seriously because of it. I always see him wandering around and I have no idea what he does here.
*3 hours later*
Okay so I found out what he does. He's the weight lifting coach. HAHAHAHAHA Of course he is. His bicep is the size of my face. I'm hungry. Damn this Internet! So I just noticed that everyone wrote in this journal to me. I came across the first message from Heather. I started flipping through the pages and noticed that Jill had a bunch of people sign it before I left. I cried because it really does mean so much to me that people want to see me make it. I feel like I just... cannot go back without something. I can't go home with nothing. Reiteration. Awesome. This is my path. I can sense it to my core. Why else would some single girl from America who's never even been to Mexico or Canada fly half way around the world to physically discipline herself if it wasn't serious right? It will work out. It has to because there is no other option. MY LAUNDRY DRIED! It's a miracle! LOL

Russell got a new clothes rack. I put it together for him and Kru Max (aka Kru CHAMPION!)came by to help me. These older Thai men are so adorable.

Day 6 October 7th Thursday

Today I shit myself. And I mean SHIT myself. I'm sitting on my bed looking at my laptop. Minding my own business... feeling a little indigestion... decided to do what ANY normal human being would do in this situation. Pants immediately filled up. That's right. I'm gonna talk about it. Everyone poops. And I for one and tired of it being such a taboo thing. I had 0 clue it was coming. No warning what so ever. I ran into the bathroom and sat on the toilet. Blew some ass. Shit is everywhere. I always wondered how that happened and now I know. Shit on my back, legs, ass, underwear, pants, floor, toilet... everywhere. Thank for the shower in there. I rinsed it all down and was disgusted with myself. I should be drug out into the street and shot. I used an entire roll of toilet paper cleaning it up. I had to wash out my clothes with my hands. Don't worry... I washed my hands after. Thai food is amazing... but jesus christ. Amazingly this did not happen because of drinking the tap water. I only drank some tap water... 4 days ago. Before anyone had told me not to. I survived the tap water... just not the curry.

I did yoga this morning instead of Muay Thai. I think I'm gonna switch to yoga in the morning and Muay Thai in the afternoons. I like this idea a lot. And maybe soon throw in some Boran in the morning too.

I am truly grateful to the people who pray for me. Especially people I never thought would. Like aunt Marcia and Julie'O's prayers for me and finding my love. The Internet is not connecting today. :( I really want to talk to momma.

Day 5 October 6th Wednesday

BLAH WITH THE RUNNING!!!! I feel like I'm getting worse. I feel like a giant pancake rolling down a hill when I run. Sloppy and falling apart. And of course I'm thinking of a fucking pancake while I'm running. I'm pushing 4 minutes. I think I'm getting worse. I'm definitely anticipating running and how long it'll be and I'm psyching myself out. But I DID meet a kitty this morning! ADORABLE! He loves attention.He fell asleep on my lap this morning and followed me to class. I met up with Russell* my new neighbor after class for lunch at Tony's. Tony down the street. On the way we ran into Naomi*. She's from Germany. She's tall with long strawberry blond hair. I think she's really fun and I'm glad she's joined us. Tony has a restaurant and rooms. He's little. I must take a picture for Annie. The food was really good. Then we went for a walk down the street and into some parts of town-ish. Phuket seems.... dirty. I sweat like a hog. It was so hot and I was fat and gross. I'm sure I was disgusting to other people too. We ate some fruit and Russell got a hair cut. Me and Naomi sat outside and scarfed fruits in the sweltering heat. Apparently Russell knows how to extend the visa for more than a pathetic 2 weeks. He says it's a trade secret. But I will get it out of him. On the way back to camp ChokChai pulled up behind us on his motorbike and offered me a ride. And of course I accepted. Being on a motorbike is like insta air conditioning. Bad ass. He is so sweet. Maybe my laundry will dry today. The sun is out here and there. It's the end of raining season here.

After class.... I am so sore. UGH. Really sore. I pushed myself a little more today than usual. And combined with the walking all day I'm really sore. Or just totally out of shape. I'm still dewy, even after my shower. A part of me really wishes to be in all the comforts of home. This is seriously a huge twist and turn from what I'm used to. I can't believe I signed up for 3 months of this. I'm crazy. I wonder if I found someone here if they'd want to go back to America with me? I wonder what Bangkok is like? I wonder what the Elephant Village in Surin is like? I REALLY want to ride the elephants up there. Why do I want to do impossible things? Why do I love impossible people? I find myself having to choose between a charmed life in America coupled with ridiculous work loads and stressful jobs or a simple life here doing things that make me happy minus all the people I know and all the frivolous things that bring me joy... whilst barely being able to walk from all the physical pain I'm in? I feel so separated from all that I know and everything I've identified myself with. Can I really do this for 3 months? This isn't like... moving to LA. This is really different. Really challenging for me mentally. But I do know that I need to do something different in life instead of being so freaking scared. This is what I get for letting myself get fat. :( I have 3 more days until a day off. *cries* and I'm only going to class once a day. I feel like an asshole for missing afternoon class too. But GAWD.

There's kids running around outside. It makes me think of the kids I want to have. I'm so tired, but I HAVE to stay awake. Jet lag is a bitch. I went to dinner with Russell and Naomi. I saw Peter there too. Peter is this giant creature of muscles. Russell is interested in what he eats for dinner. I'm more concerned how Peter stares at me. He GAZES. It's awkward. He gazed and then touched my arm longer than he should have when said goodbye.

Tonight Kru Rose stopped by my room to say goodnight. He's a super nice guy. I get a very friendly vibe from him. He reminds of Rafael. LOL He's a THAI RAFAEL!! I don't know what to make of all these Thai boys. LOL It's flattering to be paid attention to. I just enjoy the company or attention and then let it go. Best not to make too much of it.

*Names were changed... for obvious reasons. 

Day 4 October 5 Tuesday

Well I didn't cry last night. Even though I probably should have. Having no air conditioning is HORRIBLE! And the bed is as soft as a brick. That to me merits s more crying than some unknown emotion. Whatever. I'm in complete shock over the beds here. BRICK! I'm so sticky and grimey. Something that happens in a humid climate. There's never a dry moment. But I AM on campus finally. It's louder here for sure. And shared bathrooms is interesting. It's not terrible. It could be worse. At least I have a toilet to sit on. I've been hearing rumors of.... holes in the ground... ??? :S I slept all day yesterday... like an idiot! I keep giving in to my jet lag sleep. So needless to day it was a loooong night. It rained again. I like the rain. I especially like tropical rain that never stops.

I thought of a significant other last night. Whoever he is. Is it possible to miss someone you don't know yet? I feel like I miss him to my core. It's such a vivid emotion. I still pray every morning that I find my way to him. And we can be a family. I want a family so much right now. My own family. Is this what a biological clock feels like? I guess mine is severely over due. I've hated kids my whole life. But suddenly... I find things are changing this year. It all started when I started dreaming of giving birth.

It's raining today still from last night. I don't mind. But it probably means I'm staying on campus for lunch. And inevitably spending more money on it. And the Internet probably won't work. :(

Kru Rose comes to me at the beginning of class and whispers hello and good morning. I can't decide if he's genuinely impressed with me, if he's just being nice because I'm a girl, if he think I'm ridiculous, or if he's hitting on me... or what. In general the Thai instructors here are like a pack of wild hyenas. They sing in Thai and laugh and giggle in a giant pack before they spread out amongst us laughing. Probably laughing at us. I'm sure we look pretty comical.

Oatmeal here is made of real oats. It's AMAZING! I met Peter at the grill today. He sat and stared at me. Really stared. It was a little strange. I have no idea what he does here. But he's on staff here. I forgot about the nasty clip in my hair. But he was definitely not looking at the clip. He was staring at my face. Almost awkwardly. Peter is Thai. Don't be fooled by his name. He's like... the biggset Thai man I've ever seen. Not with his height, with his muscles.

I visited ChokChai today. And I showed him pictures from home. He was so fascinated. And he keeps saying "beautiful beautiful" to me. LOL And then I finally got the Internet to work!!!!

Day 3 October 4 Monday

I don't know what is wrong with me, I cried again today. I think whatever emotion it is that I'm experiencing is so vivid that I haven't been able to figure out where it's coming from yet. I've moved away from home before and it didn't affect me like it is this time, so that can't be the only reason. I woke up and missed my momma. I think a lot of it is the feelings I have about being a mother myself. And how much I wish I had a family. I realize now more than ever... the people in your life is what counts. I keep thinking of having kids, of being married. I had a lot of dreams about giving birth before I came here. And they were all Asian kids. Do dreams ever really mean anything? In some cultures... much like the one I'm immersed in now... dreams are foretelling of what's to come. And in some other cultures... dreams are nothing more than your brain releasing all the stress of the day and regenerating. And dreams are nothing more than electrical pulses in your brain. So... which one is right? And does it even matter? Being in a different world now I can't help but realize how ignorant it is to think that your beliefs are the true ones... just because... that's what you were raised believing and that's what everyone else around you believes too. I know that talking about spirituality with people has always been a little challenging for me. Because I think the way I feel about things is kind of... really different than most people around me. And maybe not. But I get the impression that people really don't seem to believe the things they say they do. I wonder sometimes about life after death, and life before "life". If there is such a thing. And what makes people believe there is or isn't? I wonder if we choose our families. If we choose our parents. I feel that if that is so, I definitely had a hand in my parents finding each other. So with this thought... I continue to believe that my future children watch me now. And maybe... if I believe in them, they can also lead me to their father. Strange I know. But these are thoughts of an emotional girl lost in a world thousands of miles away. I wonder if they can see how much I want them. And how much I think about them. It's true... I've been consumed with thoughts of my own family the last few months. I want a family. And I want to make a good happy life here. But I'm so overwhelmed with the scope of what I'm setting out to do here. I don't even know how to get to the beach. Let alone... another city.

I met a few people here at Mama's. Glen, Mits, and Courtney. I'm so glad I've met some people. They are really nice. Glen looked out of it... I think he was in a wreck or something. But they have been here a little while and it's nice to have friends who know the area. I can't imagine going back home to nothing right now. I have a very difficult relationship with Utah. It's like I either go back home and give up on my dreams, or I stay here and give up on my family. Unless making a family here would make things different. Whatever... I'm so lost in emotion right now I can't even tell. I will pray for a miracle. But I will pray to the Universe, to God (whatever he is), to my angels, to my children, and to my future husband... for a miracle. At this point I'm praying to anything I find purpose in. I guess I'm not exactly religious. But spiritual yes. I am spiritual. Probably to a degree most people don't find normal. I bet most people would think I'm silly to pray to a man I don't know yet. In some strange way I feel like we're all connected. And if I put enough intention out there... he will feel me.

I'm gonna go to class and try and make it through.... well... I WILL make it through. But it was something of a shock on Saturday. It feels like a belt review in Karate. Only the air is thicker down here at sea level. So it's easier. I can't explain the degree of retardedness I feel when doing bag work. I'm beyond clueless at how to even do bag work. So... I hit this giant bag... and it swings. I guess I'm not thinking in a "sparring" way. Whatever... maybe it'll get easier. Right now I just feel like an alien using a bicycle.

I feel a little better after class. Not all the way better... but better. Martial Arts has always been a safehouse for me. When I have nothing else, I have my art. And fighting makes me feel like I still have something from home still within me. Wow... that sounds... off. Kru Rose told me today that I learned the fastest of all his beginner students. He says "You do perfect" And winks a lot. I'll call him Kru Flirt. Thai flattery. I wonder if it's true... or if he's just taking pity on the stressed American. I'm moving onto campus today. I will miss Mama and air conditioning. But I will still come visit her.

Day 2 October 3rd Sunday

There's no class today. (Thank God.) Sunday is the only day that Tiger is closed. But I think I'll venture down anyway. After breakfast... I cried. I'm soooo sore and so alone. This is why I wanted to be on camp. I've never been around a culture different than my own and it feels weird. So day 2... I'm already in tears. When I left home I wasn't exactly in the greatest state of mind. Seclusion in a place this far away is probably what I need in order to face myself. I'm emotionally overwhelmed with what I left behind, and what I'm facing. I have no idea how I'm going to make anything happen. Where will I go? What am I going to do with my life? I know I'm being way too hard on myself already. I think my phone got shut off finally. :( Then I cried again because I've now lost all connection to everything I know. I don't have Internet. All I have now is myself. In a place thousands of miles from home.

I had a weird dream I was in India alone. It was awful. There was no one else there. And it was really dark and lonely. I guess I have a lot in life to take a look at. And really get myself back on track emotionally. Mum Jokeman from Ong Bak and Tom Yum Goong is on TV right now on some comedy variety show. He's so funny. And I feel a little more at home watching him.I just want to feel normal again. I'm kinda surprised how quickly my emotions came up when I got here. Or that simply relocating could bring such an awkward feeling. It seems also that everyone here has someone. A friend or a significant other. And I'm again reminded of how completely alone I am and always have been. And how much I wish I had a partner of my own to share my life with. Not that I consider myself a desperate woman looking for any man to come and complete her. I just feel like a person who was meant to share love with someone amazing. And I wish for this man to come into my life soon. And for some reason... I feel like Thailand is where I was supposed to find him. I have a hard time telling people that while coming here for Muay Thai was a BIG part of why I came... the first and foremost reason was to find love. I pray I will find my way to him. I am grateful to have this journal to write all these things in. Thank you Jill.

*fyi: I orginially wrote all these things in a journal given to me before I left for Thailand that my friend Jill gave to me. A lot of people signed pages of it throughout the journal that I didn't discover till I started filling the pages with my own writing. And certain journal entries I mention them... just so you're not confused.*

Day 1 October 2nd Saturday

So last night the plane landed on time at 11:15 PM and I was sick from the flight. My bags weighed almost 50 lbs each and it was raining. I found my taxi and got to the boot camp. Tiger Muay Thai. However since it was so late, they put me at a different room down the street. I was so glad to have a bed I didn't bother eating anything to make my stomach feel better. I just handed over my American cash to the taxi driver and waited awkwardly while Mama (as she's called by everyone who stays there) showed me where everything was. Passed out. Woke up this morning and got ready for class. Didn't eat breakfast... PROBABLY not a good idea... I'm seriously out of shape because the walk (that is like 400 meters) down to Tiger is enough exercise for me already. Sad. I sat down in the office and the receptionist introduced me to Kru Rose. He quickly grabbed me by the wrist and showed me around. I'm not sure if he likes me... or thinks I'm ridiculous. I don't know Thai well enough yet to figure out what he's saying to people and laughing about while pointing to me. Then he left me in the beginners ring. I talked with Kru Tad and Kru Thai... who I affectionately call Kru Legs and Kru Serious. They pinched my fat and asked how long I'd be there. 3 months... if I wasn't so easy going I'd have been pissed about the fat pinch.

The workout started with RUNNING!!!!! BOOOOOOOO! Why did I do this to myself? I am not and have never been a runner. It's my biggest thorn. GAWWWWW Maybe I will learn to love it. But I mostly just felt like a fat out of shape American stomping through the running circle.  10 minutes of running. Running while punching, running while upper cutting, running while hooking, running with elbows, running sideways, running opposite way sideways, running while alternating sideways, running on our toes, running while jumping in the air with our knees, running while reaching to the ground.... and then shadow boxing, then technique with a partner followed by 10 push ups, then we got to alternate 3 rounds each of bag work, pad work, and sparring, all of which were 4 minute rounds with 1 minute break in between.... in which we did 10 more pushups. I got to work with ChokChai on the pads. I made it a point to remember his name. At the end of the most intense 2.5 hours of my life they informed us that it was time for 100 push ups and 300 sit ups. I started feeling queezy. And pretty much felt the bile rising. I ran out of the mat area and puked in a toilet... and of course... peed myself. Then I went back and finished the sit ups.

After class ChokChai invited me over to where he was and gave me a banana. Thai bananas are so tiny and delicious. He offered me more but I just felt like dying. So he told me to go home and sleep. I went home and did just that.

When I got up one of Mama's girls Fung gave me a ride to the bank where I got some Thai money. Quickly I came home and ate some food and then passed out again.

I know it's just my first day here... and I still have SO much more time ahead of me to adjust... but I feel REALLY alone and confused. The culture shock isn't what I expected. Once I get moved back to camp I think I'll feel better. I miss Momma. :(