Day 18 October 19th Tuesday

I didn't eat more than 2 bowls of cereal yesterday. And still went to class. My body is NOT happy with me. I also tried out the Martial Arts stretching class. Which combined with regular training has made me ridiculously sore. And my ankle hurts. I feel like a douche. I am going to do weights class with Alicia. I wonder how it is that people make such instant bonds with one another. I guess this is a skill I never learned because I moved around so much as a child. And people in Sugarhouse were very odd. I remember it occurring to me in kindergarten how I was different because all these kids grew up together. And I didn't grow up with any of them. So that was why it was different for me around them. This occurred during an assembly while we were lined up on the steps about to sing. And they were all laughing and talking to one another, while I sat aside and watched from a distance. I remember slightly feeling more okay about it because at least now I understood why it was like that. I always wanted to be instantly likeable to someone.

I feel like I have the worst fighting instincts ever to be known to man. I'm really bad at it. And it's time I am honest about that instead of the continued excuse of... well I'm still new at it. I've been sparring for a year now. It's time to own up to it. I suck. I'm getting my ass kicked by a beginner. I have horrible instincts with it. I'm like... moving RIGHT into their hitting zone. It's bad. I don't know what's wrong with me. I can see everything I'm doing wrong. As soon as I do it I go "Oh wow that was terrible" But for some reason... I can't stop myself from doing it. I keep doing the same shit... I don't know what is wrong. It's so frustrating.

Kru Rose took my hand and walked me around the gym in a giant circle. I'm not sure if this means we're married now... but I'm looking into it. Remember that episode of Full House where DJ accidentally got married to some Greek boy because he walked her around the table 3 times? Yeah...

I'm running with class tonight. I just want to see how long I can go running with shoes on. I must be an idiot or something.

Day 17 October 18th Monday

Yesterday I took pictures. And I went to the "grocery store" and got milk and cereal. Something this simple made me feel so much better. I feel more like I'm getting out and doing things by myself FOR myself. It feels more comfortable here. More like it's becoming my home. My bed is still a brick however. Ugh. My toothbrush died today. Tragedy ensues. I was in no way prepared for this. We've been together for years. And I mean like... 10 years. Ew you say? Don't worry... the brush head was interchangeable and has been replaced throughout the years. I was planning on at least another 7 years of happy teeth brushing times yet to come. But he melted today and died. He's charged completely, so if I'm careful I can still use him until the battery is done. And then... our goodbyes. I don't even know if I can use a regular toothbrush anymore. They're not nearly as through as Mr. Toothbrush. Sigh.

Kru Rose blew a kiss at me the other day. LOL Silly Thai.

I do NOT understand why I cannot find tampons here!!!! It's ridiculous. If I have to wear the other option down here I'm going to DIE! I don't understand how that is even SLIGHTLY acceptable for women here. I did start walking to find Family Mart. And another Thai man stopped and gave me a ride. I got a bowl and oreos and some more cash. My fan is stuck on the low setting. BOOOOOOOO! I saw Chokchai today. He is like a human teddy bear. But anyway now I can eat my cornflakes in the morning.

Day 15 October 16th Saturday

Today the cleaning lady had to get my out of bed. I haven't been sleeping well lately. So I've been sleeping in. I went out to get breakfast and I think I was ripped off by 10 Baht. But that's like... less than 30 cents. Whatever I guess. It's just the principle of it. I'm always amazed at how many Thai men will stop and ask if I need a taxi ride. I'm truly grateful to whatever force in the universe of assistance that I've drawn towards me. I know that I will find my way to the right person for me. I know that he can tell something is coming to him soon too. I probably sound like a total freak that needs to be locked away for saying or thinking that. But it's some sort of deep sense I have that something is going to happen. And for some reason I know he feels it too.

My whole life it's like I've been in this dark room. A huge gigantic dark room. I've wandered in this room never finding a door or window or even a wall. So I never felt like it could be any different. This is just life. A big dark room that you wander through mindlessly till you die I guess. I feel like finally I've run into a wall... and it's occurred to me that something is on the other side. I still don't really know where I'm at. But I'm feeling around for a door or some kind of opening. I feel like I've even maybe found a key... but I don't know what to do with it yet. But this key will unlock a door out of here.

I'm very tired and unrested. But I can't sleep. I feel like a waste at the moment. I talked myself out of class all day long,  and then still ended up going. I think this is a good sign.

Day 13 October 14th Thursday

I skipped yesterday. Skipped everything. It felt good to not do anything. The instructors held me down for crunches last night. And my abs are hella sore! I woke up today to do Yoga. Yoga is always amazing. Yogi Simon is fantastic. He teaches us to find peace in the noise and bustle. To find focus with the movement of the world. The world will never stop. So we must find a way to move with it. To allow the noise to center us. Distractions become a part of us as fighters. And through this... we become focused on the ever changing landscape of life.

Last night I dreamed I was riding a bike down a highway and there was a tiny heart floating in the air. And I reached out and caught it. I also dreamed I had a tiny pet elephant. And I could talk to it. I loved this elephant so much. I also dreamed of riding an elephant back in the water during a sunset. And the sky was reflecting orange onto the water. The elephant dipped down under the water while I was standing on his back.

I also dreamed I was snorkeling and saw a ton of goldfish. Makes me think of my dear Somchai fish. I think I dreamed of a daughter. But then she kind of turned into Madison. I'm happy that I met Pam. She is so down to earth and just relaxing and calming to be around. I feel a familiarity with her that makes me feel at ease and comfortable. I saw Mitto yesterday and he gave me a ride back to camp. I am very grateful for the good people I have met here.

Day 11 October 12th Tuesday

I did Yoga today. It felt wonderful. It rained last night. I think I'm finally adjusting to my brick. And I saw Peter at breakfast, like every morning. He joked with me about mosquitoes. I also talked more with the Yoga guy (Yogi Simon) about Krabi Krabong and Muay Boran. Peter said he'd teach me to ride a motorbike. We'll see how that goes. I made friend with Paula from the UK last night. I will see her today. I dreamed again last night I was going to India. :S So weird. I also dreamed of a giant raven/vulture eating a dog. And it's beak was sharp enough to peck through a glass window without breaking the glass. This thing was terrifying  to me in my dream. I was with mom in the old house in the breakfast nook in the back of the house. We didn't want to draw it near or it might attack us.

I also dreamed of sometime in the future and I was at my father's grave. Which was inside a mausoleum. It was night and I was singing 'Silent Night' and holding candles. I was wearing some giant dress because it was cold. There were men behind me humming ancient hymns with bells. I was singing the Karen Carpenter version because I know my dad loves that version. The men would chime their bells in certain intervals that was somehow to draw my father's spirit to us... to me. Though I knew that he was there the whole time listening, I could tell from he first bell chime that he has for sure made his presence known there and that he was with me.

Day 10 October 11 Monday

I decided to skip Yoga this morning. Mostly because I didn't want to see Russell. The weird vibes he's putting off are almost suffocating. I have to be away from him for a while. He came here to do MMA. Thank god I won't see him in class.

Before I left home I saw 10-11-10 a LOT. Today is 10-11-10. I think I knew deep down that unless I removed myself so completely from my distractions, that I'd never face myself. I'm realizing now more than ever that I need family and stability. I feel completely incapable right now of making that happen. I think I'll pull out my crystals and do some meditating. Am I a freak because I meditate with crystals? I figure that at this point I don't really care... I'm just experimenting with everything. Praying is weird for me, but I feel like I should do it. I never know how to direct my prayer. Am I praying to a god? Am I praying to an energy? Am I praying to a guardian angel? I guess... to whatever is listening. I honestly just want to find someone like me and find peace.

F-ing Douche Bag McGee started coming to beginners Muay Thai everyday now! He's coming because Naomi is in this class. And he'd do anything to get with her. It's so pathetic. It's totally pissing me off. He still gives me the cold shoulder. It's like presence has completely vanished from his consciousness. Not that I care for him to kiss my ass or anything... but it just came out of nowhere. All of a sudden he decided to stop being a friend to me. I don't get men who act like PMSing women. Why am I the only one so far that has seen through his facade? Through all of his bullshit? Sigh. It was SO obvious within the first 3 days.... oh well. I feel bad turning Naomi down all the time. But he's f-ing ridiculous.